I Can’t Get Away With It Either, Lady

3 06 2011

And now a word from today’s guest blogger, my delightful friend Kim Costa:

Recently, while trawling the internet for interesting stories of serial killers, ‘where’s Tonya Harding?’ updates and tips on how to boost my metabolism after 40, I came across  this article: White Women Do It, Too: 8 Things Black Women Can’t Get Away With

 As a white woman who can’t get away with this shit either, I offer my rebuttal:

1) Sex on the first date: It’s implied that if I put out on the first date it makes me marriage material, whereas a black woman has to wait 3 months because men think they’re ‘easy’ if they don’t. (I ain’t even gonna get into the part where the author insists the bar is set lower for white women standards-wise, because if men had low standards I’d be in a McMansion in Winchester getting my nails done and not sitting in a cubicle mulling all of my poor life choices.)

Seriously? Putting out on the first date guarantees two things; 1.) a shitload of free drinks and 2.) no callback, except after last call 3 Saturdays later. 50% of the time a first date leads to nothing else whether I put out or not…and sometimes you just wanna Do It.

You shouldn’t marry a guy that puts out on the first date anyway–unless you want a guy with no balls, no appreciation for delayed gratification, low self esteem and mommy issues that blow our daddy issues out of the water.

Not pictured: Marriage material

2) Leaking sex tapes:  Lets all hold hands and say this together: Only shitheads make sex tapes!

Pictured: Shitheads

This isn’t something I want to get away with. I just want to do my thing, avoid all documentation, and move on. You will NEVER KNOW what I’ve been up to

3) Speaking in a baby voiceNo strong, hardworking woman wants some pansy baby voice. We want voices with  purpose and power to put the fear of God in children–and a few notes lower, to  bring men to their knees.  What a horrible, stupid assumption that all white women are cut from the same cloth as Paris Hilton. You think I’m pulling guys with my magical baby voice? Please. I have the voice of a freight train. My whisper is akin to an idling mac truck.

One more thing…Fantasia. ’nuff said.

4) Getting a nose job: I know plenty of white women that would look deformed if they ever got a nose job. I also know plenty that have–and they look like Latoya Jackson. Its all about the surgeon–you want a nice manufactured nose, don’t go to Whidden Memorial. Anyone with sufficient resources can “get away with” this. I want nice tits and a teeny waist like Beyonce; the only reason I don’t have them is because I can’t afford them.

On a related note: Donna Summer’s hair from the “On The Radio” album has been  a personal life goal since its debut in 1979. However, my natural afro grows into the shape of a square, the end result being a strong resemblance to the lead singer of Styx.

So who's getting away with shit now?

5) Walking around straight-faced: When I was in high school everyone wanted to bash my ‘bitch face’ in. I spent 4 years walking down the hall staring at the ceiling. To this day,  my ‘neutral expression’ still screams ‘beat down’. If I’m not skipping and smiling people think I’m about to go postal. I get ‘whats your fuckin’ problem?’ while sitting in the front row of a church. Before court appearances my mother would tell me ‘smile Kimberly, or you’re going to jail’. Not for nothing, I can’t even say ‘have a nice day’ without raising suspicion.

The ‘bitch face’ weeds out all the pussies  2 seconds after you walk in the room. It does all the work for you. Love the ‘bitch face,’ ladies. Embrace it. Own it.

6) Cackling too loudly on the phone:  I don’t get nervous when I see a black woman talking boisterously on the phone.

I will mention my pants pissing fear last week when I passed a white, slovenly, toothless, pock marked junkie with what appeared to be 4 lbs of rotten  hamburger stowed away in the high waist of her mom jeans and  screaming into a 2-way that she was going to ‘smash some skulls’ if she didn’t get an OC80 while holding up traffic in the middle of Main Street, and again moments later while blocking my way to the entrance of Bocelli’s.

Not pictured: the slovenly bitch who got between me and my pizza.

You know how I feel when I hear a black woman on the phone? Excited about all those quick one liners I’m going to walk away with. Score.

7) Wearing low rise skinny jeans: Honestly, do you really wish you could cram that magical ass of yours into a pair of skinny jeans? I can’t get skinny jeans on past my ankles, and I don’t want to. I won’t deny I’ve tried on 400 pairs in my lifetime, and once they’re on, they look like shit, and more than half my ass crack is hanging out of the top.

Skinny jeans were made for anorexic, assless 15 year old emo boys who cut themselves to ‘feel something’. I have a big ass, you have a big ass. Don’t shove 25lbs of delicious into a 6lb bag.

That's just stupid.

8.) Getting knocked up: Where do I start?  Oh, let me introduce you to my two children, neither with my last name. And their individual fathers, who call me ‘baby mama’.  I didn’t marry either one of them which makes me (wait for it)… not a f#*ing divorcee!

Even better, meet my brothers and sisters scattered all over the world that I have never met, due to my white reckless asshole sperm donor father. Just like a lot of women, I had kids before I had solid ground. I’m fucking poor as hell, and its nobody’s fault but my own. I’ve been on a waiting list for Section 8 since 1994, and although I barely make my rent, I don’t qualify for food stamps. But I’d be all over that if I could. So yeah, I really got away with being knocked up.

To keep my screwed up family tree from getting even more out of control, I got my tubes tied, because if you sneeze on this bitch I get pregnant. That way I can go back to  the activities bitched about in rebuttal #1 and do that whenever I want.

I don’t get away with it, I just don’t care what you think.

Try it. It's awesome.

When I see an article like this floating around, grossly incorrect and exaggerated, I have to respond and point out that although we are different, we aren’t that different. I don’t walk around trying to spot the differences between me and others, why they’re richer, or prettier, or why they can wear fucking skinny jeans.  I was raised to judge solely on character, and would like to think I am judged the same way. I don’t appreciate being pigeonholed, put into some low end category of rich, teeny dog carrying douchebag women I have NEVER met.

Sorry to pigeonhole, but this woman is a douchebag.

In the interest of full disclosure, I admit that once as a 10 year old I did say the N word, in reference to a boombox. For that grave mistake my mother beat the shit out of me in front of 90 people in the middle of Medford Square. Lesson learned, very early. I don’t get away with shit. Never have, never will.

By the way, that Maya Angelou poem “Phenomenal Woman?” It’s on my fridge. I read it every day.

She’s talking to me, too.

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5 responses

3 06 2011
Jensen Spars

This grammatical and properly-spelled review is worthy of Tone Deaf Joke, the best blog since the Paleozoic era.

I hope we see more of Kim Costa in the future!

4 06 2011
Brian McDonald

Awesome post. I love that all of the holy hell I witnessed working with Kim is being poured into comedy. Keep ’em coming until I puke.

7 06 2011
Pete

You rock Kim, keep the blogs coming, I will definitely continue to read your “honest as a kick in the face” writings.

14 06 2011
VeNicE

KIM, You are HILARIOUS! You are DEFINITELY not your TYPICAL BOONDOGGLE BLOGGER!!!! It is SO REFRESHING!!! I have a feeling this is only the tip of the iceberg for this Talented, Beautiful, Intelligent and Strong Women that has no problem saying it like it is..

Girl keep’em coming.. Tell us how you really feel? 🙂

Pete, You couldn’t have described any better.. “Honest as a kick in the in the Face”

15 09 2011
Kirsten MacAdams Centrella

Kim Costa writes the best blogs. I wait patiently evert week to get a text or a blog with her witty take on life’s different issues!!

Keep writing Kim!!

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